Once you looked upon me
with the eyes of an architect
wanting nothing
but to build great things
your eyes are now
filled with arson
wanting nothing
but to watch
my face burn
- From my second poetry book Devoured.
”Nothing” was written after a particularly brutal breakup.
It was my attempt at expressing the deterioration of a once promising relationship in the most succinct way possible.
Even after all so many decades of loss, I still find myself both fascinated and saddened by how drastically relationships [both romantic and platonic] can erode after a separation, even if it is mutual or because of circumstances out of our control.
That being said, the older I get, the more cynical I become towards new partners. And because of this, I rarely even get to enjoy or acknowledge the delight known as the “honeymoon period” anymore. I am no longer fazed by those first few weeks when there is nothing but fascination, laughter, and affection being showered upon me. Instead, I simply nod and silently obsess about how long it will take for the woman sitting across from me to get sick of my jokes, my stories, my dreams, my obsessions…my everything.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard someone say, “I want to be with you forever.” A phrase I’ve become wary of. To the point where I can now only reply with a nervous smirk and, “We’ll see.” I know how terrible that sounds. Believe me, I don’t want to be this person.
I want to be more open, more trusting, more optimistic. Like I said in my previous post, “I want to love everybody.” But baby, this city sure doesn’t make it easy.
- A.X.